


Wolf in Shepherd's Clothing

by Dominoeffect



Category: South Park
Genre: Drug Use, Implied Sexual Content, M/M, Pastor Craig, Sexual Humor, imp tweek, in which Craig and Tweak work together to trick the town for $$$, just know that things will get pretty dark, more tags to be added later, phone destroyer, televanglists do it so why cant craig, youth pastor craig
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-03-01
Updated: 2018-06-03
Packaged: 2019-03-25 12:06:21
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 11,486
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13833951
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Dominoeffect/pseuds/Dominoeffect
Summary: This hell hole has always been the best of the worst kind of people but within this sea of sinners one man chose to rise above the chaos and herd these sheep back on path. A holy path paved away in shimmering gold to deliverance.But all is not as it seems with these "miracles" the pastor has been capable of performing.





	1. It's a Mircale!

**Author's Note:**

> First fic and contribution to the fandom! I've always loved the idea of Pastor!Craig and Imp!Tweak so i wanted to put my own spin on how the ship would play out with this AU.

Those who are lost and unfulfilled of life will turn to anything to feel whole, to have someone or something to take their hand, tell them everything will be alright. Some turn to self destructive vices to cope with what plagues them. Sex, drugs, and alcohol for a moment of intoxication and pleasure to cloud their minds.Theft and debt to feed a shallow need for material possession. A broken relationship where one or the other is too afraid to leave be it of fear or conditioned into obedience. 

Some can fill the void with more healthier mechanisms, but not this town.

Not South Park.

This hell hole has always been the best of the worst kind of people but within this sea of sinners one man chose to rise above the chaos and preach herd these sheep back on path. A holy path paved away in shimmering gold to deliverance.

Redemption.

Liberation.

Absolution.

“Open your heart to salvation!”

Craig proclaimed his signature catchphrase before Stark’s megachurch. The crowd roared in excitement as man appeared on stage, a beam of light illuminating him. “Welcome brothers and sisters to your weekly dose of divine intervention!” He stood tall and proud, radiating energy as he addressed the people with a sweeping gesture.

Practically everyone in town knew of the man, the classic tale of bad boy gone good through the word of God is a story old as time but with a twist. You see, Craig was popular among the youth what with his rugged good looks, youthful face and silky voice that many believed his vocal cords were threaded by the angels up in heaven themselves it wouldn't be difficult for him to draw a crowd. However, what really set the pastor apart from the rest from the old christian and catholic speakers of yesterday were two things.

 One. Craig was openly gay. In general he had a more modern take on his practice that simply resonated with the young adults of South Park, especially the women for some odd reason even if he was only attracted to men. It made him more relatable and he, with a radiant compassionate smile, welcomed them all with open arms to his church. He understood their plights, their sorrows, and offered them restitution through God.

“And if the devil comes knocking at the door, just give him one of these and tell him to fuck off!” The people joined him in raising their middle fingers up high and chanted “Fuck off Satan!” It helped that he was brash at times, it made him more genuine to the people.

Secondly Craig was not only just a divine counselor to the lost souls of the town.

 

Craig could perform miracles.

 

“You there, yes you, the grandpa in the wheelchair!”

And, no, not those miracles televangelists incorporate to their sermons with fake actors pretending to be ill, but any normal person who attended the pastor’s would subsequently see an improvement in their health and or life through the man’s holy touch.

“What is you name, old timer?”

“Eh? What’s that, Billy?” said the old man.

A young man with dark hair shook at the elder’s shoulder, “Grandpa he’s talking to you- Uh yes, hi, hello there!” the man was taken a bit aback as Craig put the microphone toward his direction. “ My names Stan, Stan Marsh and this is my grandpa, Marvin Marsh.”

“Stanley! Great to see you again, how’s Wendy doing? Haven’t seen you guys in church for a while.” he boomed before pointed the microphone back out to Stan. The onslaught of sudden attention suddenly made Stan visibly uncomfortable. Stan rarely went to church nowadays and his first time back he was throw into the center of the attention of over a thousand people

Craig knew this.

“Uh, fine I guess. She’s still doing the news thing with Jimmy but- look can you do something for my Grandpa?” Stan firmly placed his hands on Marvin’s shoulders, looking almost ready to burst into tears. “The doctors say he’s only got a few months to live and-”

“Quit crying like a little bitch, Billy, or you’ll never get a date to the dance.” There was a couple chuckles shared in stadium.

With frustrated tears poking out of his eyes Stan screamed into the microphone, “MY NAME’S NOT BILLY, GRANDPA!”

The was silence. Stan wiped his face into his elbow and held it there for a few moments as he tried so hard to compose himself. “Please,” he pleaded softly through strained breaths, “Please… just, help him. I don't want my grandfather to die like this, senile and all. I can't even remember the last time he’s ever said my name.”

Stan then found himself enveloped in warmth, taken aback as the pastor wrapped him up for a close embrace. The taller raventte’s touch was soothing as he pet his back, Stanley felt safe. “Listen to your grandpa, Stan, and quit crying like a little bitch. I’ll help him, don’t fret.”

Tears stung Stanley’s eyes once more,no longer being able to hold back, and buried his face into the other man’s shoulder. “I’m so sorry for all the shit we put you through as kids Craig, thank you!”

“I said quit crying ya baby,” he chuckled and so did Stan as they broke the hug. Craig offered him his handkerchief and Stan happily took it.

“Sorry about your suit.”

“It happens. Now,” He stood before Marvin now, hands furiously rubbing together before clasping them onto the elderly man’s clammy bald head. Marvin jumped in his chair but was firmly kept in place by the force of Craig’s palms. “Lord I call upon the today to help me heal this man of his mind, body in soul before you. Lord I am willing to forgive Stan for the misgivings he and his piece of shit friends have put our town through…”

There was an awkward cough from Stan.

“And you know as well as I they put this town through alot-”

“I said I was sorry.”

“But I will put all that aside today for at this very hour, this very moment time I ask you, once more, to lend me your power to heal old man before you claim his soul in the heavenly afterlife! Now!” The pastor then gave a swift hit to the side of Marvin’s head, almost knocking him off from his wheelchair. There were sudden gasps from the crowd while Stan visibly seethed with anger. 

“Dude!”

“Ahhh,” Marvin groaned in pain. “Stan, why the hell did that preacher just punch me?! I-” Marvin stopped in his tracks, gazing around the room he just suddenly became aware of. “ Stan, where the fuck are we?”

Stan, who’s anger immediately subsided, stared slack jaw in awe before what he just heard. “Grandpa… you… you said my name?” it wasn't more of a question as it was an unbelievable statement. Faster than the old man could react Stan swooped his grandfather into his arms for a back breaking hug and sobbing hysterically. “ He said my name!”

The audience erupted in joy at the sight before them, the choir began to sing a hymn in praise, and the a number clapped in tune.Craig ran back to the stage, seething in delight with arms open in a loud wide gesture.

“There you have it folks, what once was broken can be restored with God at your side! Whether you’re sick mind, body, or soul so long as you have faith and love for our Lord he will never let you down! Open your heart to salvation and goodnight South Park!”

\----

Another sermon gone great Craig had just finished up his conversation with one of the attendees and waved goodbye as they drove off. He gave a sigh, pleased with today and shrugged his jacket off. With a calm stride, jacket draped over his arm, he walked up to Butters who had finished collecting the donations for the night and placing them into the cashbox.

“Gee, Craig, you did amazing tonight! Helping poor ol’ Stan’s grandpa and all.” The small blonde complimented the Pastor after a successful night and handed over the night’s earnings.

“Not me,I didn’t do anything. God did all the work tonight, I’m just a conduit.” He corrected with a laugh, opening the box to see the cash inside. “How much we’d make tonight?”

“I don’t know, but I say it's at least twice as much as last week!” Butters cheered happily.

“Awesome. I’ll be able to hire some contractors to fix the roof before another storm rolls in. Maybe hire an interior designer for some advice to spruce up the place. I’m thinking were overdue for a carpet change. I’m feeling blue would look nice and go with the glass windows, what do you think?” Craig rubbed his chin idly while looking up at the stain glass art that adorned the sides of his church. They all bore images of various saints, biblical scenes, and general christian imagery.

“Well I don’t know nothing about that, sir.I guess it would look pretty nice?” Mumbled Butters as he took a gander at the church as a whole. Yeah, blue was a fitting color for Craig’s church he thought to himself. The whole church was beautiful will its marble walls, state of the art lighting, cushioned pews for the people to sit on, air conditioning to keep the Colorado cold at bay, and art to really just set the warm holy atmosphere of the place.It made Butters feel welcomed and at peace “Gosh, Craig, you sure do put a lot of love into this place dontcha?"

“Anywhere can be a place of worship. I could preach underneath the highway and so long as people hear and embrace Jesus I would be sooo happy.” He lead himself and the boy out of church door, locking it behind them with security padlocked door and key for good measure. With a press of a his car button he opened the trunk and placed his belonging inside“ A sweet church just helps people feel people more at safe and welcomed you know?”

“Yeah, it does help that's true,” he bashfully agreed. Butter couldn't help but feel a little flustered around the man even after all the work they’ve done together. He admired Craig so much for his hardwork and dedication to his good cause.

“Thank you for your help tonight by the way as always. I know I can be get pretty animated, especially tonight, and hard to keep the spotlight on.” He gave the smaller boy a thankful pat on the shoulder as he got into his car.

“A-ah it's nothin, Craig, really!” Butter accidentally screamed at the pastor’s touch, rubbing his palms and eyes cast down embarrassed after the fact. He brushed the long of his bangs away from his face, fingers grazing at the scar over his left eye.“It's the least I can do after all you down for the town. For me…”

Suddenly Craig reached out from his car, tucking a gentle hand under the young man’s chin so he would met his gaze. Butters couldn’t help but feel his heart skip a beat as he locked eyes with Craig, light teal eyes meeting the cool icy blue that seemingly only gave the opposite on Butters.

“Not me, again. But I’ll tell G-man you send his compliments.” And with a ruffle of the shorter man’s hair he set his toyota corolla in reverse, waved goodbye to Butter’s and drove off.

\----

Craig didn’t live far from the church so the ride back to his apartment was short. He dare not live too far from the place so he chose a complex close by in case of an emergency he would often reason. With the McCormicks gone reconstruction of the SoDoSoPa lofts began a few years ago while Craig was in high school. Sure, technically it was the other side of town from where Stark’s was but he’d argue he could beat traffic by driving to work through his old neighborhood than having to deal with the hustle and bustle of leasing an apartment in town.

His loft was as luxurious as the ads had advertised it to be with a view of the city, pool, and all the perks. The interior was decorated and furbished to his exact liking with from hardwood flooring, black leather couches, a faux animal throw rug, a porcelain island kitchen, and large flat screen TV that hung over a fake fireplace. Nothing boring about this place.

As Craig locked the door to his bachelor pad  he was greeted with a burst of flames and smoke before him. Out from the smog appeared before him a blonde horned humanoid creature, with goat legs, wings, fangs, and long red tail. A demon through and through if anyone thought to have seen one.

“Good work tonight, honey.”

“Oh, _please_ ,” the demon snorted at being called honey, shoving the pastor as he strode over and plopped on the couch. The hooved being crossed his legs and placed them on the coffee table. “Not me, God did all the work tonight! I’m just merely his condo _twit_.” The fiery blonde then laughed at his own impression of the Pastor’s nasally deep voice.

“First of all, I don’t sound like that. Second,”  he flicked the goat leg creature on the side of his head while he made his way to the kitchen to make some coffee. “What I tell you about having hooves on the table, Tweak?”

“Owwwww!” the demon named Tweak groaned and removed his feet from the glass table with a pout. “Do too sound like that,” he grumbled.

“Do not.”

“Do too!”

“Not.”

“Too.

“Not.”

“Too.”

“Not.”

“Not.”

“Do too- wait, shit.” Craig cursed at letting himself getting Bugs Bunny’d to which the demon let out a roar of laughter. The pastor just rolled his eyes as he poured the brew into two mugs, “ Shut up and come get your fucking coffee.”

Tweak immediately shot up from his seat and like a hummingbird like speed flew and hovered around Craig. “Didja get the stuff that I asked for? Didja, didja?” Tweak got closer and closer to the pastor until Craig finally caved in and gave the demon what he wanted.

“Honestly you’d think after losing your house and kids Mr. McCormick would be too broke to get even a cigarette. Yet here he was, slinging a bag full of meth saying how he’s going to clean up and change his act while tryna flush the shit down the toilet” With a lazy throw, Craig tossed the bag to Tweak who eagerly started to pour the contents into his coffee. “I told you to sprinkle that shit in, make it last because God knows if Mr.McCormick will actually keep his word this time.

“He won’t. I won’t let him. Haven’t been letting him for the past 3 months or so.”

“Jesus,” Craig chuckled, pouring a few ounces of creamer into his own cup.

“Imp’s got to get his fix somehow, and sugar just ain’t gonna cut it!” Once he had spilled ⅓ of the bags powdery substance into his coffee he gulped practically all of it down the hatch. He twitched, his eyeballs dilated and he moaned a sigh of relief as he skunk back into kitchen table chair, “ Ahhh… Oh yeah that's the good shit.”

Craig just simply shook his head, leaning against the island’s counter top as he took a sip from his mug. “How did I get stuck with a junkie demon imp for a cohort? Also, again,how were you able to heal Stan’s grandpa tonight?”

Tweak rolled his eyes at having to explain himself, “ I didn’t ‘heal’ him. Demons don't have access to holy magic that would cure mortal diseases like that. However,” he took a sip from mug, lapping his tongue around his teeth and lips to not spare a drop of the spiked concoction. “Lucky for you alzheimers is a prank imps play on the elderly. So all I had to do was dispel the curse the previous imp had placed on the old fart and, boom, Stanley’s grandpa was cured. Hallelujah, praise the lord, amen and all that bullshit.”

“Forgetting all your loved ones and having your brain slowly turn to pudding doesn’t sound like much of prank.” Not that Craig exactly cared.

“It's just a prank, brah.” The imp retorted with a cluck of his tongue.

“That's it i’m cutting off your youtube privileges.”


	2. It's a lie!

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Shorter chapter, but a little bit of creek and exposition to tide things over while I work on the longer chapter.  
> Also, heres some designs I drew up incase you want some visual to what this AU Tweek and Craig look like.  
> https://imgur.com/a/sTJoz

_ Have you ever had a minor inconvenience? _

_ Tripped over air, spilled your drink, woken up late, forgotten why you entered a room, stepped in dog crap, snack get stuck in the vending machine, gotten your pants belt holes stuck on a door, headphone wired tangled in a ridiculous knot, gotten sprayed not knowing the nozzle was pointed at you, or wanted to sneeze but it never happens? _

_ Most likely. _

_ What about nearly getting hit by car, losing an important document, forgotten everything you studied the day of a test, gotten lost even if you have a map, woken up with morning wood, a flat tire, have a car soak you in water after driving across a puddle, or gotten stuck in the middle of traffic? _

_ Chances are an imp is probably messing with you. _

_ Maybe your the type to pull one over others be it benign as sharing a laugh between friends or something more malicious like getting revenge on someone who has wrong you. _

_ Think of the old expression of having a little devil on shoulder. It rings more truth than you would think.That's the work of imp whispering over your shoulder and coaxing you into doing their bidding.  _

_ Imps feed of chaotic energy and misfortune that comes from one theirs, or yours, pranks. Any sort of inconvenience, big or small, tame or extreme, so long as someone is at the tail end of the joke an imp grows stronger. After all, it's their job. It's what Satan designed them to do and they do it well. _

_ It doesn’t matter if no one’s laughing. _

_ Because that nagging feeling of someone watching you, laughing at your own expense, is probably true. _

“So, basically, what you’re saying is you guys are giant trolls.”

Craig sat on his couch manually flipping through the channels with little haste, his coffee long been given to coffee addict that hovered idly around his living room. The two had been in cahoots for little over two years now and today was the first time he had, formally, asked what exactly Tweek was and his role in hell. He had a vague idea up until now and really so long as the imp was of use to him it could of stayed that way. The pastor figured, however, if he knew exactly what Tweek was capable off the better he could utilize his powers. So far he knew that Tweek could shape-shift, fly, was invisible to all less he choose to reveal himself or unveiled through holy means, light things on fire and recently Tweek could cast hexes.

“Bingo, pretty much.” The little demon shrugged, swimming across the open air without much of a care in the world. One would think a breed of demon such as he wouldn’t be too keen on disclosing such information to a mortal, especially a clergyman, for fear of making himself vulnerable. However the prankster and the human have an arrangement, one that neither dare or are willing to break: Craig, the last remaining religious leader in South Park, would allow the little fiend to have its way around the mountain town in exchange for Tweek’s help to further spread the influence of his church through false miracles of divine intervention for monetary gain. It was a mutually beneficial partnership that they shared that, in the end, left Tweek in the best spot when it came to feeding and filling his mischief quota.

“Are Stan and his posse imps then?” The boys had caused more than their fair share of calamity for the rest of the town. Especially for Craig who, at the time, craved nothing more than a day when the world wasn’t coming to end because of 4 boys who couldn't just mind their own business.

“Nah, they’re just assholes. They’re pretty famous in hell though. The whole town a matter of fact,” he took a long sip at the remainder of Craig’s coffee, dragging an index finger around the bottom to lick up whatever was left and rub it into his teeth. “Or, at least, you guys were.”

This made Craig quirk an eyebrow, “ _ were? _ ”

At this the little imp visibly lit up with glee and swooped down to sit next to the ravenette on the couch, “Oh man, were you guys! It was practically a buffet everyday for imps that came to town looking for a quick meal. We didn’t even have to do anything most times, you guys just seemed to get into trouble just fine on your own.”

Tweek’s smile then melted to a frown, obviously disappointed, “But then you guys got played out and it wasn’t really funny anymore. Sure, there were a couple good moments here and there but it got boring. Imps are pretty fickle beings and even the biggest of fans had already up and left town by the time I got here. Found better places to be.”

“Good,” Craig said flatley, finally having settled for the news station. He had a feeling things had wadded down by the time he had entered high school. By then the damage had been done, however, and he could never be the person if none of the chaos during his childhood had ever happened. Craig was cynical, brash, and just an all around grouch to everyone that weren’t his  close friend or family. 

That was up until his internship at Father Maxi’s church.

But even all good things Craig’s life, eventually, came to an end. Only just now did Craig decide to take back control over it.

In an instant Craig was smacking other scrawnier man’s chest with the back of his hand to get the blond’s  immediate attention while he raise the volume on the television with his other hand. “Look, look, look, look!”

“I’m looking, I’m looking,” the little demon groaned, scooching away a few inches from the other. Tweek really didn’t like to touched unless he was the one instigating. He leaned forward, elbows propped against his furry goat tights as his hands held his head in place. What was this? The station wasn’t even back to its regular programing they were still playing ads. Suddenly it all made sense as the pastor himself made an appearance and promoted Stark’s church on screen.

“No way, you bought an ad space?”

“Several, actually. Channel 9 is locally funded right down to their news station and these are going to be running occasionally from now on,” he smirked and relaxed into his seat, obviously pleased with himself.

“Nice,” the imp had to give it to him, that was a pretty good idea. Next to the billboard on the highway where Tweek frequented to watch road ragers this was the next best thing. “Now no one’s gonna be able to miss that perfect pretty little face of yours without at least seeing it once a day.”

“Yep,” he said, turning the TV off.

“Of course, unbeknownst to them, they’ll never get to see how ugly you can possibly get.” Tweek softly glided from his seat to behind Craig and with the most delicate of hands tilted the darker skinned man to look up and face him, staring affectionately into the pastor’s cold blue eyes. “The way that wicked grin of yours stretches to the side of your face, the unapologetic way you talk about your church attendees behind their back…”

The blond then leaned down to the raven haired lad’s ear and hotly whispered, “It’s all a lie.”

With an unceremonious shove to the demon’s face Craig rose up from his seat, cracking his neck from side to side as he headed for his bedroom, “Try not to give me morning wood when I wake up tomorrow.”

The master bedroom door shut tight on his way in and Tweek just giggled, “No promises.”


	3. A week with a Pastor pt.1

Mondays are mostly for self-care after yesterday night’s sermon performance. Craig lets himself sleep in till 10 or 11 on those days. He does his house chores, grocery shopping, and run errands. Typically very mindless work and he can allow himself to relax and gather himself before the work week begins. If he feels up to the occasion he’ll visit his family and see how they’re doing, staying for dinner most nights. Sometimes Craig will visit his old friends Clyde and Token to catch up over some KFC or Buca de Faggoncini. Token usually pays since he’s a cool guy like that he says. Clyde thinks it’s because Token wants to show off, and Craig agrees, but doesn’t say because hey free food. Neither is complaining and happily oblige their rich friend. He rotates family and friends every week and then gives himself a personal Monday to himself where he’ll make his own dinner for the night. Craig is a fairly decent cook and prefers a nice home cooked meal over ordering or getting take out. Tweek says his cooking sucks but what does he know?

A lot apparently since the imp has the Midas touch when it comes to baking and sizzling food over an open fire. Even something as simple as stir-fry Craig would find himself each time being transported to a delicious, mouth watering haven that would be praised by even the most elitist of food critics. These occasions are rare in few and vary on whether or not the blond found a recipe he wanted to test out or if the pastor had done something recently for the imp to warrant a gift in return. When the willingness does hit Tweek he will slip a few extra things to Craig’s shipping list ahead of time.

Then he tops off the night with TV while drafting his ideas for the work week.  
Tuesday its back to work. He wakes up at the crack of dawn for his early morning 5-mile jog and is done by the time the school day has started, as per usual. Once he’s showered and dressed in his usual stylish blazer, choice of button-up collar shirt and jeans he heads of to Stark’s church. Typically he spends the planning out the show on Sunday, making phone calls to order and schedule what's needed for the event. He’ll prepare an outline and draft for the big day, scouring text and video to help him get the general feel down. An office day overall.

Wednesday and Thursday he is more intimate with the community. Volunteers will be around to assist in cleaning up the church and offer a helping hand to Craig to fulfill his pastoral duties. Craig provides counseling to those in pain and confessionals for others who have given into their vices. Regardless of their situation, Craig will lend an ear and shoulder to cry on for his flock, ending normally with them praying together for guidance or forgiveness.

It’s here where Craig can pick out people for Tweek to perform his miracles.

He saves the more extravagant and tear-jerking ones for Sunday but will assign smaller miracles of divine intervention for the imp to carry out. How Craig picks people out varies from how much he can profit from the task to how much his church has profited from the person’s tithes and contribution.  
Take Stanley for instance. Sure his offerings are sparse, rarely donating past the event’s entry ticket, but Craig saw great opportunity in the boy the moment he and his withering grandpa walked through Craig’s church doors. A great opportunity that ended in a spectacular show and significant increase in tithe donations after the fact. It’s all about whether or not he can benefit from the act.  
But don’t be so quick call judge him just yet, the man isn’t as wholly corrupt. He has some lines he’s not willing to cross and genuinely he does enjoy helping those few he’s gotten close to over the years.

Take today for example.

It’s a pleasantly sunny Colorado morning in South Park’s community center. School is out early for the day as children from the elementary school team up with Stark’s Church for a bake sale to raise funds for a new swing set to the playground. The last swing’s chain had long since broken from years of rust and decay, overdue for a replacement for the children to swing as high to their little hearts’ delight. High enough that they could touch the sky and dream about what lays beyond the white fluffy clouds.

Craig’s usual volunteers, Butters and Heidi, are here to assist today. Butters is off entertaining the kids while Heidi helps Craig’s with managing sales. Butter’s was the one who proposed the event last week to the pastor and Craig could hardly say no to the other man. Leopold is the kindergarten teacher and he’s a very passionate teacher when it comes to his students. Possibly because, in some ways, the teacher was still a child himself. So a swingset for the kids was also one for Butters, and Craig liked Butter’s of all the other kids growing up that weren’t in his social circle. He couldn’t quite find the nerve to hate the boy even though his innocence often made him naive and all too trusting. It’s a surprise that sort of purity hadn’t been sullied beyond repair.

The sale is going well, having reached over half of their goal of $700 to have a new swing installed. The lunch hour had really given them the push forward and Craig was certain they’d be able to make their goal once parents and workers were out to buy their dinners, and what’s dinner without a little dessert? From cakes to cookies to cupcakes they had it all. A sweet tooth lover’s paradise was on display begging to be taken to someone’s home.

“Wowie! I only just left for a couple minutes to play salon with the girls.” Butter’s exclaimed after having gotten a look at the ever-rising jar of money on the table by Craig and Heidi. He had ribbons and braids decorating his hair, chuckling lightly with a hand softly touching his hair, “boy I tell you those girls of mine would make fine hairdressers someday!”

“They look really nice on you Butter’s,” Heidi said while handing off a tray of cookies to a customer.  
“We’ve passed the halfway point by the way,” Craig mentioned this and Butters instantly lit up, a smile stretching from ear to ear.

“Really?” The pastor nodded and his arms shot up in glee, “Yippee! Ya hear that kids? We’re halfway there.”

The small crowd of kids from Butter’s class all cheered gathered around their teacher. “Let me do it next!” said one girl.

“Sure thing, Angela, go on ahead!” Butter’s handed the little girl a marker and she scurried off to a cardboard cut out of a thermometer that was ¼th of the way full. Angela had to get on the very tips of her Mary Janes to color the thing to its center. Once she was done she handed the marker back to her teacher and regrouped with her class.

“At this rate maybe we’ll be able to get slide outta this,” at this, the kids gasped and grew more excited at the idea.

“Let’s just shoot for a swing set for now. Wouldn’t want to get greedy now would we,” Craig stated and kids stopped in their tracks along with Butter’s.

“Oh no, we wouldn’t want that! We’d be happy with just a n-new swing, God willing, wouldn’t we kiddos?” Butter’s stammered.

“Johnny almost broke his butt when the last swing fell!” said a boy.

“Yeah, my ass bone hurt the whole day!” said another, who was probably Johnny.

The kids erupted into laughter and Butter’s tried to quell them, “ Now, now, what did we say about c-cursin’?”

“You said it earlier when you were looking at the pa-”

“C-Craig!” Butter’s involuntarily shouted, grew red from embarrassment at the realization and coughed awkwardly into his fist. “Pastor Tucker why don’t you tell these kids why they shouldn’t swear.”

“Well, to be honest, it’s all about intent and the context you use them. Swear words are used a lot to describe a situation or feeling at times rather than to uh-” Craig would have rambled on about technicalities of speech but Butter’s horrified and uncomfortable stare made him stop. “I mean, yeah kids don’t curse.”

The kids all in unison whined in unison but quickly got over it once they heard the horns of their parent’s cars begin to sound off. Butter’s clapped his hands and announced to kids their parents were beginning to come for them. “Be back in a bit, fellas, I gotta make sure the kids get sent home safely!”

Once Butter’s was gone Heidi let out a snort followed by a small fit of giggles at what just happened.It wasn’t exactly the best idea to tell a bunch of grade schoolers that it was okay to swear and cuss as they pleased based on technicalities. Craig shrugged, “ What, I realized my mistake before it was too late.”

“It took you a second, though.” She sighed and went back to reorganizing the cased cupcakes. There was a comfortable silence that fell between them, it was something that Craig appreciated. Heidi was a regular volunteer on her days off from her work at the ever-expanding aerospace manufacturing company, Space X. They opened one right in Colorado when the two were seniors in high school and were both ecstatic over getting to watch rockets get launched into space so close to home. It was a passion they both shared and bonded over even if Heidi got to experience it more hands on. He could at least live vicariously through her.

“Elon planning on launching any more cars into space anytime soon?” He asked, looking over his shoulder to the brunette. She seemed to sway as she stood, eyes fluttering to fight in order to keep open. Craig nudged Heidi and the softest touch seem to almost knock her over. Quick on his feet, he grabbed her arm before she would fall into the pastries and this seemed to snap her back into reality.

“Huh? O-oh crud, I’m sorry, thanks, Craig,” She took her hand back and rubbed the back of her sleeve against her eye, taking a seat in lawn chair she brought behind her.

“Jesus, Heidi, are you okay? You didn’t stay up all night baking those cookies did you?”

“Mmmm, I haven’t been getting much sleep anyway recently.” She muttered, slapping the sides of her face with mitted hands to wake up. Craig hadn’t noticed it till now, but Heidi had bags under her eyes and makeup that looked only half-heartedly done.

“What’s that supposed to mean,” He poured some coffee into a cup and offered it to the tired woman.

“Work been keeping you up late?”

“It’s not that, I….” She paused, gnawing at her bottom lip and fingers tapping against the cup as if she were considering what to say next. She looked around, a few people were coming over to their table and she got up once more setting the cup aside. “Nevermind, we got customers.”

They tended to the couple and Craig watched as how Heidi fought to pay attention to the pair’s long order, her head bobbled to stay in place. Despite being clearly exhausted she still somehow found the strength to carry the sweets to the couple’s car before collapsing into her chair upon return. She held her face palms of her hands while her long walnut hair draped over her shoulders and head like a curtain, hiding her away from the world.

“Just… give me few minutes, I need a break.”

“I think you need more than just a break. You’re about due for hibernation.” Craig patted her back as she sighed wearily. Worried over the girl, Craig called over to Butter’s who had just finished saying goodbye to the last student to cover for the both of them.

Butter’s cheery smile fell soon as he got a look at Heidi, “ Wh-what’s a matter with Heidi, Craig? She feeling sick or something?”

“Something like that,” Craig answered and Heidi groaned, shrugging off the man’s hand from her shoulder.

“I’m fine, I’m fine I-” just as she was getting up Heidi tripped over her feet and toppled onto the table, crushing a few boxes of pastries in her demise. The open boxed of cupcakes on display caked her magenta coat, a few clung on and fell to the ground as Heidi stumbled back to her feet.

“ I… I could use a ride home if one of you don’t mind.”

—-  
Heidi lived at a different apartment complex than the one he was used to picking up her up on days where the three would carpool to church. It wasn’t that far off from the community center, however, so Craig could be back to help Butter’s at the bake sale in less than half an hour. What did worry Craig was the state his fellow space enthusiast acquaintance and, hopefully, now that they were alone in the Pastor’s car on the way to Heidi’s place she’d want to talk about what happened? God willing.

But all there was was silence, not the kind that Craig enjoyed. It was uncomfortable, stagnant and tense the whole ride. Heidi just sat there in the passenger seat, picking out the remaining crumbs out of her clothes and placed them in a folded up napkin to throw away later. Not even the low sound of gospel and choir music playing through the radio could lighten the foreboding gloom that clings desperately to the car, setting Craig’s nerves on fire underneath his well-composed calm exterior. The only other voice now and again was the navigator giving the driver directions to Heidi’s new address.

Once Craig stopped the car in front of the building complex, she finally spoke.

“I can pay for the cupcakes I ruined,” her voice was barely above a whisper, distant, but still sorrowful.

“Don’t worry about it. Are you okay though?”

“No,” she confessed. “I haven’t been okay for a couple weeks now.”

“Do you want to talk about it? Butter’s can handle the stand for a little while longer.” Pastor mode kicked in and Craig rubbed gingerly at Heidi’s shoulder. She just simply stared down at her hands, playing with her gloves, considering the offer. “We can talk at your place if it makes you feel more comfortable-”

“No!” Heidi suddenly shouted, eyes practically bulging out of her eyes. “No… no. I want to talk here. Home…. Home doesn’t feel safe. Not anymore.”

Her breath was shaky and Craig asked her to take steady breaths in. She did and she continued talking, “ These past few weeks, I…. I think, no, I know someone has been breaking into my house!”

“Is that why you moved out of your old apartment?”

“Yes, but the person just found me again somehow!” The girl was now more angry than sad, “And the police haven’t been able to help at all. They haven’t found any leads to who’s coming in my house and stealing my stuff. The worst part isn’t even that it feels like… like”

“Like?”

“Like I’m constantly being watched!” she said hoarsely. Heidi began to shake, pursing her lips tightly and hot angry tears filled her eyes. “Anywhere I go I feel like I’m constantly being observed. Someone’s stalking me, I have no proof but I just know it, Craig! I can’t even feel safe in my own home for fear that one night I’m going to wake up and someone going to be watching me sleep from my bed!”

At this, Heidi finally caved in and sobbed uncontrollably, all her weeks, maybe months worth of frustration coming out all at once. All her pride in putting up a tough face fell apart all and dripped into the car’s carpet floor. Once her cries trickled down to soft whimper, Craig reached over and pulled Heidi into brief, and somewhat awkward considering they were still seated in the car, hug.

“That really sucks, dude.”

“I’ll say,” Heidi couldn’t help but give a small laugh at the pastor’s casual informality, returning the hug.“I’m sorry for unloading all this to you so suddenly.”

“Nonsense, I’m a man of God and what sort of shepherd would I be if I didn’t look after my own. Especially if they’re as big of a space nerd as I am.” He smiled warmly at the smaller girl. Craig was being genuine.

“I just don’t know what to do anymore,” she sighed and slumped against her seat. “ I can’t afford to move again.”

“Have you considered a guard dog?”

“They don’t allow pets at either of the places I lived at.”

That was lame, Craig thought. “maybe set up some home security or something.”

“I have an alarm, but it hasn’t gone off at all any of the times I’m not home.” She reclined further into her seat, a hopeless look on her face. “But…” She rose up a little, gears starting to turn in her head. “ But I could modify it so that a camera is installed and records who comes in and out of my place!”

“There we go, see? Once you got a face just turn it into the police and they can apprehend the asshole.”

“Yeah, yeah! I’m going to go set it up right now!” She was so giddy, practically bouncing in her seat and on her way out the door. In her flash of excitement, she forgot how completely exhausted and fell to the pavement. Craig winced as her face at shit and ran around the car to help her back up.  
He propped her arms on his broad shoulders and helped her to her feet. She was already passed out.

“Maybe after a quick power nap.”

—-

Butter’s was having one hell of a time managing the table while Craig was gone. It seemed Craig had left at the worst possible moment as people began to file up in line for the remainder of their sweets. Most people seemed to have been expecting the pastor, who had gained somewhat of a celebrity status, when they were greeted by the teacher. Still, they bought whatever it was so long as it was touched by the man’s holy hands. He was relieved when the ravenette returned to help him distribute the rest of their goods before calling the fundraiser a success.

“What was the matter with Heidi earlier, if you don’t mind me asking?”

“She’s been having a little home invasion problem recently,” Craig didn’t mind sharing the information with Butter’s. Heidi had given him permission to at the very least give him an explanation of what happened before she hit the sack.

“O-oh jeez, that sounds scary. I hope she’ll be alright…” Butter’s clinked his knuckles at the thought of anything bad happening to the woman. He thought Heidi was a pretty sweet girl and didn’t wish any ill harm on her.

“I called her parents to come pick up her car. Later once Heidi’s all well rested and set up the new security system they’re going to let her stay over at their place till it’s all settled out once and for all.”

“That’s good,” Butter’s smiled. Ever the curious one he asked, “ What kinda things did the robbers take? Hopefully nothing super valuable. Dad has most of his expensive stuff locked away in a safe, maybe Heidi should get one?”

“Ah….” Craig faltered. He knew the answer, Heidi had asked him to check a certain drawer of hers to see if it had been rummaged while she was away. Craig was just unsure of how or if he should mention it. “Just real obscure stuff. Toothbrushes, cups, makeup, hair brushes….” He figured he’d just be out with it, apologize to Heidi later, “ Underwear. That kinda stuff.”

“Oh hamburgers,” he crossed himself. “That really pervy shit right there.”  
“Yeah, really uncool. We can send a prayer for Heidi once we finish cleaning up here.”

All that was left to do was to pack the stand they used for the fundraiser. The tables and chairs were mostly from the community center safe for one Butter’s brought. The blond insisted he should take the lawn chair Heidi had brought with it since it was on his way home and he could leave it at her parent’s place while he dropped off the table he borrowed from his parents.

Once they were done loading Butter’s car he looked to the pastor, a guilty expression on his face. “H-hey Craig? I-I gotta tell ya somethin’.”

“What?” he quirked an eyebrow.

“Well, it might be nothin’ b-but the other day when the kids were out for lunch I had to take a real bad tinkle, and the teacher’s bathroom was gonna be occupied for a while since Mr.Mackey had chipotle. And I didn’t wanna go in once he was done since it was probably going to be all stinky.”

“Uh-huh…” Craig just nodded, not sure where Butter’s rambling was going to lead too.

Butter’s sensed the confusion in his voice and got to the point. “ You see when I was peeing in the snow at the side of the school, Eric, the 4th-grade teacher left his window open.”

“Did he see your dick?” he asked bluntly.

“Wh-what? No!” Butter’s face was immediately flushed red. Craig just laughed and patted the other man on the back, insisting that he go on with his story. “But I did sorta, well, see his.”

“Cartman was jacking in the middle of a classroom during lunch time. Why am I not surprised?” What really did take him back was how Eric had gotten the job in the first place, though, it probably takes one of the biggest menaces of 4th grade South Park history to manage the next generation of menaces to follow.

“ We’re really not allowed to do those kinda things at school. Indecent exposure and all,” so could urinating on school property but Craig held his tongue. “ But while he was going at it I couldn’t help but listen and he was huffin’ and grunting Heidi’s name while masturbating into a pair of pretty red women’s underwear.”

“You think Cartman is the one breaking into Heidi’s house?” all humor was gone from his tone and only flat, deadly serious monotone remained that sent shivers all the way down Butter’s back.

“Well, I dunno! Maybe? Oh jeez, now that I think about it Eric does have a coffee mug that awfully reminds me a lot of the one Heidi stopped bringing to volunteer work. I just thought maybe they got it from the same store is all.” The gears were turning with each connection Butter’s was starting to make of his co-worker. The more he thought about it the more he started to think of how plainly obvious something was amiss.

Craig realized this as well, giving the blond teacher a stare that said he should of know better. In the end, he just shut the back door of Butter’s car and shrugged. “What’s done is done, at least you came forward and told someone now before anything else happened.”

“Y-yeah…” Butter’s cast his gaze down to their shoes, shuffling in his place too embarrassed to look the pastor in the eye.  
Sensing the other’s discomfort he placed a firm hand on the smaller man’s shoulder and smiled, “I’ll let Heidi know and she can report that back to the police. Thanks for telling me.”

Butter’s meekly returned the smile, wishing the taller man safe travels as they exchanged their goodbyes and left in their respective cars. Once Craig got home he’d asking a certain demon roommate of his that they had work to be done tomorrow. “God” was itching for some divine punishment.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A shepherd watching over his sheep will strike down a wolf, even if he too one.


	4. A Day With an Imp

On the other hand, in counterpart to the good pastor, Tweek’s work week is never the same as the last. There is no preparation, no schedule and certainly no order. Truly, his organization is as chaotic and all over the place as the hair on the demon’s glowing blond head. Any activity for the day is solely based on the whim of the small devil.

Well, that and one other variable being Craig himself and even more annoying enough it's always on the same day, like the pastor sits on his request till that very day.

Friday.

Fridays are meant to mark the end of a work week but for Tweek it may as well be considered the only day he can truly consider as “work”. Pranks and other tomfoolery on the highly impressionable people is all fun and games to the man. The town is his own little personal buffet that gave him his daily bread and rewarded him the more he came back. Today, however, he was dining with the pastor and was eating whatever he served him. And what delicious meal was Craig having Tweek eat tonight.

It was snowing out by the time Eric Cartman took to the driver’s seat of his black Honda Accord. He hadn’t started up the engine to make his commute to Heidi’s, not yet. Eric sat there, a dark expression enveloping over his face as in deadly, methodical, silence. The AC may of been off and the colorado snow doing its work but Eric Cartman was boiling over inside. How dare she try to move on without him? Heidi Turner was his and his alone. Doesn’t matter if she claimed to no longer love him. Doesn’t matter how long it's been. Doesn’t matter if they were old, grey, dead and buried in the ground. 

Heidi was his. She was his and she was off limits to all even if Cartman wasn’t, couldn’t, be with her. Sure, he stood idly by as Heidi dated other men, sometimes even women. The end result was always the same: Heidi crying, heartbroken, over her latest break-up. She had a type, it seemed, and that type was the kind of person who will shower you with love but eventually disappoint, hurt, and abandon you when they got bored of you. Heidi never did actually learn after Cartman, only just found a different face. It was amusing to Eric everytime she fell into the trap so naively. It just furthered the testament to how much, deep down, Heidi still loved him. That was it in a nutshell, at least what he believed.She was still in love with Eric even after all the time and it touched the cold sadistic heart of his that proved he still had one.

That was, until recently. He saw her with someone, someone Eric knew was by virtue the polar opposite of he. Cartman knew this time was going to be different. There would be no pain, no tears or grief. Just warmth and comfort and smiles Lord how he hated how the way she smiled at him! No one else after him could bring that sort expression on her face and the fact it was form this particular man drove him mad.

How dare he and how dare she!?

He balled up his fist and struck at the wheel, the horn going off and startling pedestrians as they scurried by. The brunet took a deep breath to calm his rage. No matter, he thought. It wasn’t as if she was actually falling in love with someone new. She was just simply confused. Yes, just as confused as she was before and just like then it was up to him to re-educate her.

The lesson today being: Don’t fuck with what belongs to Eric Cartman.

With a wicked grin on his face he took off to Heidi’s apartment. He knew exactly where it was, she couldn't hide from him. Not even so long after the move did he manage to track down his sweet beloved Heidi to a much shittier part of town where, for the right price, citizens were much more loose with their morals. A couple of hundreds here,bag of cocaine there, and the landlord would give him a copy of her apartment key and security code to Heidi’s home. No need to worry about nosey neighbors as they all seemed to mind their own business, not caring doubt Eric’s claim of being Heidi’s fiance despite never entering the place with her. Yes, his long con of a plan was working out almost perfectly in his favor. Over the past months he had worn Heidi down to pits of despair and utter exhaustion, making her the most vulnerable she had ever been emotionally….

And physically. 

With little security and police on this side of town he’d be able to enact the final stage of his plan. He was going to break into Heidi’s house and hurt her. Hurt her good and hard that’d she'd be broken and afraid beyond repair. Like an bird that had lost its tree, or a beautiful angel that fallen from God’s grace. Either one, the girl would be lost and hopeless once more like all those years ago with skankhunt. Just like then he would be the one to come to the brunet’s comfort.

His plan was to, slowly, seep his way back into Heidi’s life by taking advantage of her new fragile state of being and “save” her from evil.Cartman would stage another break in after this one, hire Kevin McComick to it and get caught with the increase in police that would inevitably patrol the apartment complex after the first. Kevin had spent most of his life in prison anyhow and was more than willing to go back, living large by his standards as Eric would wire him money monthly for his service. They had a similar figure, albeit Eric being huskier, that when shrouded by the dark Heidi wouldn't be able to the tell difference. He may of been testing his luck by breaking in so soon after Heidi just moving in, but there was this gnawing and persistent overwhelming feeling from the back of his head that wouldn't let him rest. Eric Cartman was more patient and methodical than this, prefering to slow cook his plans for the most savory of results. Maybe be was feeling bold, but today just felt like his day to step things into motion.

He drove around aimlessly for about and hour, still here and there to grab a bite to eat before pulling into the apartment complex’s parking lot. The time was 2am. Heidi would be asleep by this time as she had work early in the morning. From his glove department he grabbed his ski mask and tucked it away in front pocket of his black hoodie. 

“Get ready for me Heidi,” he muttered, exiting the car.

The place was fairly barren, Eric managing to slip all the way up to his target’s floor unnoticed. At the foot of Heidi’s door he slipped the mask on and disabled the door’s security. A small affirming beep noise went off and he slowly pushed open the door, locking it quietly once he was inside. Eric’s heart was racing at this point, not out of fear but pure excitement. It had been nearly two decade since he was anywhere this close to his ex-lover. The room smelled like her chamomile scented candles, Eric would have to get rid of those when Heidi would eventually let him move in. 

With great caution he maneuvered his way from the living room to Heidi’s bedroom, careful not to make too much noise. The floor boards to her new place were significantly creakier under Eric’s weight than he had anticipated, cursing softly under his breath under each little sound. He wanted to surprise her, after all, but It wouldn't be much trouble for him if she woke up. The object was to scare her relentlessly, he just preferred to be able to wrap his arms around the girl for a few moments to punish her for cheating on him.

Once he reached to opened her bedroom door, to his surprise he found it completely empty. 

“Crap, what the fuck why is she not here?!” Eric stomped around the room, searching for the girl and tearing up her room to no avail. He checked everywhere from the bathroom to her kitchen to find that the apartment was completely empty. With a frustrated groan he ripped off the suffocatingly hot mask and sneered at the whole thing. He had come too early, his impatience had gotten the better if him and he had put everything at risk.

“Fucking bitch is probably over at Kyle’s house hopping on his circumcised jew dick right now,” he sneered at the thought. “Well screw it all, he’s not going to win this time. Heidi has to come home sometime.”

While scavenging through Heidi’s closet his brows rose up and a sick smile crossed his face. It was an aluminum bat that the engineer had most likely bought to protect herself for this very scenario. Eric weighed the bat in his palm, it was light but decently sturdy enough to crack a few bones in the right hands.

And even more in the wrong ones.

“Yes, this will do just nicely,” he hummed and gave have a few practice swings. He would teach her for being someone else's sluttly little whore. All he had to do now was to wait for her return, and it appeared he didn't have wait long at the sound of the front door opening. 

He quickly slide his mask back on and charge outside to the living room,swing the bat recklessly. Eric thought he had seen Heidi’s figure by the window but all he seemed to hit was the flower vase sitting along the frame. The brunet did have much time to question as he turned back to make his way back to the rest of living room before wildly stabbing his toe on the leg of Heidi’s glass coffee table, tripping over nothing, losing his balance, and crushing it underneath him. The shards sunk deep into his shoulder as he braced himself for impact. Eric hissed in pain, rolling to his side before thrusting himself back to his feet.

This was all too much. Too many mistakes were made tonight due to his desire to ruin his ex-girlfriend’s life. Through the haze of pain Cartman realized this and decided to call the night a failure. It may of been short notice but he’d have to call a clean up crew to dispose of blood soaked carpet and shards that would destroy all his work up to point with a single blood test.

First, he’d have to stop bleeding from getting any elsewhere on the house. He grit his teeth tightly as he ripped out, with shaky palm, the large pieces of glass lodged in his arm. He wanted to scream, he wanted to curse, he was definitely crying but anymore noise would stirrup the neighbors more into calling the cops if they hadn't already. Or even worse, some dunderhead would try to play hero and see what's going on Heidi’s floor.

With the pieces of glass plucked and discarded with the rest Eric wrapped his black sweater around his arm, stopping it from bleeding out a trail while he ruffled around the kitchen for Heidi’s medicine cabinet . Pills,pills, antidepressants, sleep aids, general flu medicines. Cartman knocked them all to the floor in search for some bandages and gauze. Finally he found them but if only to make his life even harder the damn first aid kit was on the top shelf and Cartman didn't exactly grow up to be the tallest man in all of South Park, let alone his immediate group of friends. He didn't have much of a choice other than to climb up onto the counter as the blood from his sweater was starting to seep out drip by drip. Just as he was about to grab the box, the moon from outside cast light through the window into the kitchen and illuminated the open box of condoms that sat right next to the first aid.

It was empty and that alone sent spikes of rage through Eric’s very core, causing him to,once again, lose his balance but this time falling face first into the ground with a loud thud.

He groaned on the floor, lightheaded and practically seeing stars when he opened his eyes once more. His nose had broken upon impact and he could taste iron. Eric just laid there for a few moments, too out of it and ashamed in himself to get up just yet. If anyone could see the shit show that happened just now, they'd surely be laughing their dick off.

Fully intent on throwing in the towel at last, Eric hoisted himself back up and rested over the kitchen counter, tossing his mask aside in defeat to free his nostrils from the smell of blood. Just as he was about to wobble his way back out of the apartment, he thought he heard the sound of Heidi’s voice from across the room.

“Eric?” the voice called out. Cartman lifted his head up, trying to located where the sound was coming from. 

“Errrrrrriiiiic,” the voice continued to call out, this time in more of an ethereal sing song kind of tune. Through his hazy vision, Eric thought he saw Heidi’s shadowy figure standing in front of the bedroom door. 

“Heidi?” the wounded Eric horsley responded. At least, he thought it was her. The silhouette of the person had the magenta striped hat and coat Heidi always wore, but seemed to be shorter than Heidi’s 5 foot 8 by a few inches. He didn't have much time to think on the discrepancies from the trauma to his head and blood loss. With his one good arm he reached out for her only for her to turn and head back into her room. Almost as if on their own his feet following after her.

In the back of his mind sirens were going off, telling him to get out of there, that something wasn't right about the situation but still he found himself standing in the center of Heidi’s room.

It was empty.

Why? Why was it empty? 

He saw.

He swore he saw.

“Eric Cartman,” said the voice matter if factly. It seemed to not come from one single place but, rather, everywhere. Like it was inside his head, piercingly cold and unsympathetic. The door shut loudly behind him and when Cartman spun around he was face to face with it.

Something. 

Someone.

Wearing Heidi’s clothes, face shrouded in darkness, and only bright yellow eyes visible glowed dangerously at him.

“ You're not welcome here.” Cartman shivered in paralyzed fear, face paler than the white Colorado snow that fell just outside. The thing smiled, razor sharp white teeth beaming right at him before pushing him down on the floor. In amidst all his distress the grown man pissed himself and he cowered underneath the other intruder. From the living room the baseball bat flew across the room and into the raised arms of figure, crashing down not even an inch beside Eric’s head and greatly impacting the floorboards on contact.

The deceiver in Heidi’s clothing bent downward to Eric’s level and yanked off the girl’s hat, two blood red horns and insanely large eyes staring right through the man’s very soul.

It was a demon.

“Run.”

The hell creature lifted up the bat over his head, cackling wildly as Cartman screamed at the top of his lungs and scrambled to get up out of there. Adrenaline coursing through Eric’s whole body he couldn't even feel the pain from his wounds of subsequent new ones as he mad the dashed for his life down the apartment stairs, crashing and tripping over now an again with little care. All he knew was that he had to get the hell out of there now before whoever, whatever, that was was miles behind him.

By the time Eric Cartman reached the bottom floor he was so hysterical that he didn't even realize the police had the place surrounded, asking for him to stand down. When Eric could comply they opened fire and only then did he stop screaming.

Still, in the darkness, he could hear it laughing.

\----

Craig had been driving up to the church on Saturday morning to rehearse for service tomorrow when he had gotten a call from Heidi.

“Good morning Heidi, did you sleep well?”

“It was Eric,” she immediately said, no time for pleasantries. Her voice sounded hollow through Craig’s a receiver.

“ Cartman?” Craig feigned not knowing.

“It was him. This whole time. The police are going to have him in custody when he’s out of the hospital.”

“The hospital?” Craig was taken a little a back at this. Tweek told him he had taken care of the problem but… “What happened?”

“ He was acting completely crazy when the cops got to my home and shot him when he was violently resisting arrest from what I heard.

Oh, well that made sense? “ that's good that they got the fucker finally.”

“Yeah... its. Its over.”

There was a pregnant moment of silence for while before Craig spoke up.

“Heidi, you still there?”

“Huh?”

“Ground zero to Heidi, please respond.”

“I ’m. I’m fine it's just… I’m so…” at this point Heidi just start sob, clearly trying not to cry out hysterically.

“He can’t hurt you anymore Heidi. Its okay. You'll be okay, you can have a life again.”

“I know, I know! It just, I should feel happy and he's going away for a long time but I'm still scared. Why, why am I still afraid? I just want to happy again but how do when all I've known is doing and fear?”

Craig sighed sadly, “honestly, you're going to be screwed up for a long while even after this-”

“Yeah no shit, Craig.”

“Hang on,” he interjected before he made Heidi upset. “let me finish. You're going to still be grieving over this for while longer. This was months of your life that he took away from you and it will take even more so you can be okay again.

Heidi just stayed silent and let Craig continue to talk.

“It night be months, hell, even years before you can move on, but know that you aren't alone. You have family and friends who care about you that will be there for you till then. I may be just the town pastor, but I consider you to be wonderful, kind, smart gal and irreplaceable sister to my church. None of what happened was your fault, you didn't ask for this, and if you need counsel you know what days I offer counseling to volunteers.”

There was another pause before anything else was said, this time it was Heidi the one to speak up.

“Thank you Craig.” Craig could just feel the warmness of her smile even through the phone.

“No problem. Here, lets pray.”

“Yes, lets.” 

“Our father,” Craig began, slipping into pastor mode. “Holy be thy name, I ask of you to watch over this young woman and reliever her from all that plagues her mind. Lord she has been through hell and back these past few months but still she comes to Sunday service each and every week to make your praise. God I ask you protect her and her family for what surely comes next. Father show this woman the light bless her for a that she has done for your Crush. In Jesus name we praise, amen.”

“Amen, thank you pastor.” her voice sounded a lot lighter, hopeful even, and Craig smiled at that. 

“ Is that all?” he asked. Craig had A lot of preparations to get done for tomorrow and didn't want Butters to work on it alone.

“Yes- oh, wait! You know that camera I secret camera I installed in my home security system?”

“Yeah, it was going to take a photo of Cartman so you can ID him to the police. Why?”

“Well, I … I may of had it do more than that.”

Craig quirked an eyebrow at this,”like what?”

“I had it record everything that went down in my house and… the video is... Kinda creepy.”

Craig furrowed at this, “Just what do you mean by creepy?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> After a hiatus I've come back to be mean to Cartman hfjakfjak

**Author's Note:**

> In this setting Tweak was never born and met Craig at some point, the McCormicks lost their home, and Butter's is a church groupie.


End file.
